Life and Time of Kishinami Hakuno
by inastra
Summary: Lots of somewhat short drabbles of Kishinami Hakuno. (Some AU centric.)
1. i a tragic story

**i.** a tragic story

Once there was a doctor who was famous for finding the cure for Amnesia Syndrome and he was very highly known for wanting to help others. Once there was a teen of mere sixteen diseased with Amnesia Syndrome, and she were waiting for this highly important doctor. She were told that sooner or later, that she were to have hope for an happy unforeseen future. She waited and waited as she suffered and suffered, yet before she knew it, she set their eyes closed in peace.

"Dr. Pieceman was killed in a terrorist attack in the next town over!" was what she heard, as she was laid down in a chamber, the next thing she heard, "This is unfortunate. We have to get hercryogenically frozen." **Cryogenic-ally frozen** was not a word she heard every day, but her body felt cold and her breathing was cut. All she heard was beeps and beeps from machinery and words of peace yet seemed malicious to her, "Until another doctor is to come along, _ **is now dead.** " She wanted to scream and yell, didn't they promise her that she would have a nice future? **Why did it have to be her?**

In that small cold chamber which contained her body, her last passing thoughts were sobs and a strong will left behind, 'I don't want to die….!'A thirty long year wish that stayed with that poor little girl— giving birth to an image of a girl similar to her who gained self awareness and no memories headed to war of death..


	2. ii We let our battle choose us

**A/N:** _Game_ _spoilers ahead, plus some angst? Angst here and there, hooray._

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 **ii.** "We let our battle choose us."

 ** _No one could ever deny that._** Hakuno would have never denied it, yet she wanted to scream " _NO!_ " fiercely as she ever could. The battles she partook in, took every part of her soul one at a time.

Shinji, her _so called_ best friend who cried **_out in fear_**

(He kept yelling behind the screen as she saw him turn to data, screaming for help. She couldn't do _anything._ )

Dan Blackmore, the old military man who _knew his end._

(Dan who looked at her and asked her what she will do in more battles to come. She wanted to scream.)

Alice, **maturely** accepted her fate despite being _so young._

(Alice who forgave Hakuno for not being able to be her friend no longer and she couldn't bare but look away.)

Little Ronnie, whom she never knew _that much._

(Little Ronnie who unwittingly kept complimenting her even she was going gone)

Julius, who left _bitter-sweetly happily._

(Julius who painfully came back and telling her the dreadful truth, leaving happily that she was _crying for him._ )

Rani who _graciously_ said she was **_glad_** she met Hakuno.

(Rani who managed to make their battle with calmness and telling Hakuno that she was sincerely glad, while she herself wanted throw up.)

Leo, oh, Leo who never _felt real emotions._

(He who was her rival that she kept chasing after and yet she kept falling behind until, their battle and his own childishness became his own end, with Hakuno wanting to say something but no words came out.)

" ** _We let our battle choose us._** " was a sentence that she could barely take to her heart. She wanted to rip it into shreds and deny the universal truth, but what could she do,

 _when she was the cause of all of their deaths?_

With sorrow left in her heart, she was no better than the rest of them.


	3. iii You take such joy in pretending

**Summary:** Hakuno has dreams of a happy lie. Lancer confronts her on this.

 **Note:** (AU Centric, being Lancer is Lancer of Fate/Zero. Crazy huh. Related to RP. Nothing really significant.) ANGST.

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 **iii.** _"You take such joy in pretending you're okay"_

At most times, she would pretend. That there was no _Holy Grail War,_ no _deaths been taken by her hand,_ that _she was real._ It was her way of coping with everything that happened to her. Yet– she wasn't changing anything by doing this. In the end, it's always a _happy lie._

❝Do you know what it means to experience _real joy,_ Lancer? I …. certainly don't so– I pretend and pretend I am okay.❞ She smiles so bittersweetly, ❝But there's always a _bad ending_ to all my **small fake dreams.** ❞


	4. iv don't you think that it's boring

**Summary:** _People talk behind and in front of her, how she's weak. She ended up being the winner._

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 **iv.** _"don't you think that it's boring how people talk?"_

Hakuno was always expressionless by default, yet, while in Tsukumihara Academy and during the Holy Grail War… people talked. They talked loudly or silently– but most of it was because of her. " _The rumored ghost of the machine_ ," " _the explained 128th victor_ ," " _the weakest spirit hacker of all_ ".

She heard it all from all the other Masters who kept looking down on her. After all she almost met her death by a _stupid effigy._

 _"— How did she even get in here? She lost to a effigy!"_

She never took it to heart but when they weren't looking… she cried in her private room. This wasn't something _she wanted to do!_ She was never given a damn choice to begin with. It was to die and live by the sword. But she _cried_ in the corner of her private room. Saber had asked if she wanted her to silence them, but Hakuno denied it.

She knew she was weak. It was just that… it wasn't a game to her, it was life and death, and these were people taking lowly of her. She couldn't stop it if she could anyway…..


	5. v We might be hollow, but we're brave

**Summary:** _Hakuno learns, and goes forward despite no future at the end._

 **Note:** Game spoilery.

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 **v.** ❝We might be hollow, but we're brave.❞

After learning she was just a plain image of someone else of lived and died thirty-span years ago, Hakuno lost all of her meaning to herself. She never _had a real body to begin with._ She never _had memories to begin with._ She never **had anything to begin with.** And she was never " _Hakuno Kishinami._ " There was no reason for her to try to regain memories, nor try to call herself human.

She was a **goddamned cyber ghost!** She wasn't even real and human like Rin, or Leo or Julius. She was just like Alice– the poor girl who died years ago and woken up in the Moon Cell alone. She wanted to scream, " _It wasn't fair!_ " But she wasn't think that as Julius was crazed and she felt sad, wanting to know more about him. Even if she had no reason, saving Julius could be her reason, and getting out of the War with Rin was another reason.

Even if she was _hollow_ inside, Hakuno Kishinami was brave no matter what everyone said about her.


	6. vi it's not your fault

**Summary:** _Hakuno knows. She knows it well, but she can't help but blame herself anyway._

 **Note:** _Game spoilers, suicidal implications(?), disassociation(?). If uncomfortable don't read._

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 **vi.** it's not your fault

Of course she knows that.

She knows this so well, but she can't help but feel distraught. It was her fault. Not intentionally, but somehow in a way, _it was truly her fault._

Hakuno shakes her head vigorously. "It doesn't matter what you try to say." Her eyes are blank. Almost like a robot, with her movements rigid and almost not animated anymore. It would be almost appropriate to say she almost is.

"Sure, the world ending wasn't my fault. But my original being, getting amnesia syndrome must be something." Sometimes she hated her _original human self._

It meant she had no humanity in her after all.

"It would have been better if I…" she stops. "I didn't gain awareness. Like why the hell did I gain awareness? I'm just a fucking Artificial Intelligence after all! I'm an NPC!"

"My human self is pretty much catatonic! Almost dead!" Her hands at her side are shaking wildly. God, she hated it when people claim that it wasn't her fault.

"It would have been better if I didn't exist in the first place." She repeats.

Her gaze looking downwards. "So that I didn't participate in that stupid war like a fucking idiot I was."

She ruined lives just to find out who she was. Just to survive. What a fucking stupid reason that was!

"I killed my best friend." She says this slowly. There is not a single sign of emotion on her entire being. "I ruined everything because I gained awareness."

"In the end, even if it's Twice's fault… it's partly mine's too."


End file.
